My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
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dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Cake!!
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Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.