Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps

I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.

Genie: you get three wishes

Dog: I wish I was inside

Genie: two wishes

Dog: I wish I was outside

Genie: one wish

Dog:

Genie:

Dog: I wish I was inside

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

I could have been a monk but I missed my chants

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY

First day of the week: brad pitt

Last day of the week: homeless druggie

When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.

Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now

I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus

My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

inside you are two wolves

The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.

*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*

Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.

My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.

Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”

Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.

Me: Lord of the Rings.

Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.

Me: then why does it have elves?

Wife:

Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…

On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.

Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.

If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.

Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No… it has two cameras.

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily

Me at 10.10 pm: dang it

If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?