Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?

If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them

Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.

I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice

me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings

The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.

ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.

DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro

Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.

There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.

TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it

Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!

i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand

#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.

Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?

Me: Vodka

Guy: That’s classy

Me: Not in the amounts I drink

Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.

Light: Let there be light what?

God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.

I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.

[First day studying philosophy]

Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.

Me: Me?

Professor: Yes.

Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?

Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.

Tv: He is in cardiac arrest

My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart

Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy

I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.

😼🖥️

movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.

My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*

The Pasta:

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside

Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.

HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly

mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes

me: with what