Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.

Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;

At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.

Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.

Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.

I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.

In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot

Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

[Petco]

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.

ME: Like a mermaid?

INTERVIEWER:

[arriving in hell]

me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever

satan: where did you even find denim underwear

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

Wife: Where are you going?

Me: You can find me in da club shawty

Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?

Me: Yes

If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.

Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]

Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.

“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”

kid: 5 more minutes

dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”

Me: Uh huh.

Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”

How to end an interview:

1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN

I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.

i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing

The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…

People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones

I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.