My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
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My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Hit me in the face with a bird
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.