Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.

Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.

The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.

Forever 21… pounds overweight

Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off

If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.

Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.

bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1

Parenting Tip:

Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.

“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”

“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”

“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”

King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*

-Medieval Brahs

an octopus is just a wet spider

They’re really bad with fonts.

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.

There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.

My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.

mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this

Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup

me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now

Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.

my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.

Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.

[Sitting down at a restaurant]

Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.

see you in hell you stupid fruit

[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”

That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…

My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too

I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate

As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver