Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.

[marketing meeting]

me: what campaign are we working on today?

boss: spaghetti-o’s

me: uh oh

boss: say that again

Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival

Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.

Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.

john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶

me: wow that’s old.

john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶

me: oh not that old then.

Is this anything

Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?

Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in

NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you

WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers

1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.

Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.

Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end

BOSS: your productivity has been low

ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week

BOSS: who?

ME: me

first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong

I do things for others…

Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.

My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.

The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza

Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.

These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?

so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

me: sacked? why?

boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name

me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]

on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours

Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?

Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…

Me: *loads nutrigun*

Cashier: What the heck?

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.

Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*

Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?

starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes