My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
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“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Punctuation Matters. Period.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
New comic up. “Ransom”
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”