My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
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@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom