My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
You Might Also Like
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from