My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
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so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
No, I don’t think I will.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.