My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
You Might Also Like
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend