My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
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The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
A woof in sheep’s clothing.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.