Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide

My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…

To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.

I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.

If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.

Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*

Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—

Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets

I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.

Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”

Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.

Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.

*dangling legs in the ocean*

🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺

How the stock market works:

Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!

The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?

My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.

*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*

Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.

so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*

Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT

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*dolphin diving off a cliff*

no one ever comes back

I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.

By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”

If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.

[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome

This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.

me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?

6: no

me:

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

AND

When a women asks if you notice anything different