My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
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I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
The Assassin.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.