My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
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I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.