My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
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“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack.
today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭
A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys
mmm onion ringos
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby