My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
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I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Seven nuclear reactors just for this 😭
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )