My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
You Might Also Like
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
This is a whole mood;
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Check your privilege
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Pringles
