My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
You Might Also Like
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house