Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.

never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*

My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence

THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI

Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two

I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.

Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.

4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.

My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.

Well, boo-fucking-hoo.

HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this

HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this

Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open

My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”

NO ONE TELL HER

SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?

WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.

It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.

A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.

Like, uh… talk?

the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat

Gods work.

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

[on a rocket which just launched into space]

Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.

My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.

friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out

Kidnapper: We have your wife.

Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!

can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”

awkward

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.