My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
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My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
No.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
My dad.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
This hospital has everything
