My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
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[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
My dog learned how to text
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest