My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
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Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
#milo
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Namaste
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.