Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store

If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again

I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”

5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?

My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic

I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”

If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.

I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.

But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”

You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.

ME: so what do you do for a living

HER: I work for a moving company

ME: where is it today?

hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla

It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting

Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off

Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.

On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.

Only while supplies last.

I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.

“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep

[at funeral]

FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost

Me: it hit me completely out of the grey

Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?

Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes

My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.

May your day taste like creamy soup.

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work

If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms

My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??

It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?

Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you