Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.

[enter password]

*Correct*

[your password is incorrect]

Me: ahh that’s right

*incorrect*

Login Successful

He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi

Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore

Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.

[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police

What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?

If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.

[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”

Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”

Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.

Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.

oh you hate me? name all of my flaws

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.

[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week

Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”

Me: “Hell yes!”

Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”

{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.

[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.

Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?

*holds a grudge*

Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!

date: I come from old money

me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you

Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter

Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.

Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”

7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”

Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.

Then tell the lion.