My wife has the worst taste in men.
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My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.