Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this

Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.

If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.

My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.

my friends when i can’t do basic math

I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.

Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart

shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”

[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying

Me: *wakes up screaming*

Wife: What’s wrong?

Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again

Wife: Need some help?

Me: AHHH

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.

[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.

My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning

*Starts to vacuum

Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.

Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-

officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking

There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.

I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.

Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in

7am: *starts diet*

7pm: *eats the house*

this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista

Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.

Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.