My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
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The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”
Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”
Darth Vader: >:(
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder