My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
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I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores