My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
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Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.