My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
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Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… For example, Christian:
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
these two trucks have the same bed length
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving