My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
You Might Also Like
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
see you in hell you stupid fruit
What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
I feel it
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
