Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead

If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.

Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL

Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.

Me:

crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged

Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.

Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.

me: do we have anything for a headache

wife: try the cupboard

me: won’t that get stuck in my throat

Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email

Alice: I’m late.

White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line

Alice:

White Rabbit:

Alice: *stares*

White Rabbit: oh shit

A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.

My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.

Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store

Price: $7.04

“No way”

Price: $6.94

“Now we’re talking”

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?

Windows Explorer: who knows lol

Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?

When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.

I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

[guy next to me at urinal]

“Is that a 5 or 6?”

…about 5-1/2 I guess.

“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”

*zips up* No.