My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
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The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.