Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I won’t force religion on my child

Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*

“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”

prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo

every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now

judge: it’s called “sentencing”

morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one

me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs

RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?

I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.

“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.

Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it

Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…

The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping

what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls

Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”

Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words

*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*

Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”

“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”

I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.

I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”

My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”

I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.

me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun

head lifeguard: your what

When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.

When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?

wife: look our baby can stand up

baby: what’s the deal with airplane food

My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.

When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.

Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.

If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.