Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I say it will be $750

Hubs: I say $630

Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29

Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!

Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount

{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie

{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.

You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room

Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?

we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”

[Diner]

Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free

*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*

my 6 year-old: im a police

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14

me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible

wife:

me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too

This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero

I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers

Taxidermist: you’re fired

‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’

-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.

Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis

Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.

the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do

And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so

Girls are a lot like oceans,

beautiful

and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.

If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless

Thinking about a snail with a limp

“I FIXED IT!”

“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.

The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?