Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care how you season it, ham radios definitely taste more like radio than they do ham

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

[i get pulled over]

cop: have you been out drinking?

me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times

The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.

*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

They must have gotten it to go.

This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live

I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich

new dr. seuss book dropping:

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers

Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.

[30 years into the future]

me: you know netflix used to send films by post

my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge

me: productivity

If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting

A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-

running back in the house for
something you forgot.

If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple

Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated

I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.

Wife: what’d you do after work?

Me: I may have taken a nap

Wife: you may have or you did?

Me: I may have did

Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.

Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.

Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.

Everyone is getting idioter.

The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.

First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”

If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.

Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.

*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*

My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops