Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*strums guitar*

This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”

Hope you like it.

i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash

Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.

[first day at seminary]

PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices

ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns

PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*

I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self

Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.

You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.

The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.

Me, dressed Covid casual at work.

Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”

I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress

I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.

My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book

My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.

Wait…was it my left or your left?

-me as a surgeon

Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.

What’s the opposite of mentos?

Lady fingers.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house

This is so me 😂😂

If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.

Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.

Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.

Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table

Murderer: ok thanks

Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead

I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise

I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.

your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄

When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on