Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?

She was making her kids marsoupial.

My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful

Day 4. They suspect nothing.

I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.

I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.

Uglier.

Angel: But, sir…

I SAID UGLIER!

– God inventing cycling outfits.

Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41m

Groundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days

A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.

Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

*Hands you a handbasket*

You know what to do…….

bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore

Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.

Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]

***6 months later***

Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?

Me: … [whispers] meow.

Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)

Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.

ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE

Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.

[rap battle]

Opponent: *crushes it*

Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*

Hear me out:

Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.

This is where we’re at, people.

[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]

“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.

Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.

I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.

The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.

Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!

Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!

Kids: Yay!

M: See you in a week!
*slams door*

Kids: …

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food

I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful