My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
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[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
fourth time’s the charm
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Spotted in New Orleans.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.