Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?

My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.

Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth

Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.

Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.

Body: Maybe drink water? Just once

“Why the hell wooden I be?”

– Pinocchio

I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.

On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.

my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?

If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*

[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say

To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”

Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card

My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.

now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake

Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!

Me: Nothing in the second?

Her: No, I skipped a period.

Me:

Her:

coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making

[arriving in hell]

devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*

me: *starts eating*

devil: wait, how?

I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.

Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.

Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”

Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally

Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew

me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!

everyone else: [cleans]

me: not like that

My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.

Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass

Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.

On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.

I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings

“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably

Billion dollar technology idea:

A printer that works

nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here

The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.

These are dark times.

~me, everyday at 4pm

My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.