Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The jeans are skinny. I’m not

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?

coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast

I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.

Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.

Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?

Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help

It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.

Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows

At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?

Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.

I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂

Jealousy is a horrible green monster.

Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.

🙁

Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅

Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…

It’s basically shitty Christmas.

Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist

Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.

me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000

her: sure

me: k

what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…

Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.

When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.

My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.