Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside

cop: does it look shady?

me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot

Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes

Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms

Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home

Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great

Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.

Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.

Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.

Son #2: [in bath] We did.

As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.

trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive

My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.

i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face

I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.

Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.

[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.

Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.

Me: No, two of those are clean.

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

[math class]

How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

“By crawling to the counter?”

GET OUT

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’

I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.

Cinema or bowling

I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men

[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it

What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?

Last minute gift idea:

Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted

My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.

You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.