My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
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Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
what does he know…
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now