My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
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getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
Me starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet
9am: One cookie instead of two
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
What do you call a bunch of cucumbers in a row?
“Queuecumbers”.
energy cannot be created nor destroyed
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**