Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*high fives my therapist*

“At least you tried.”

ㅤ

ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.

me: oh good what is it.

ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.

me: haha whoops.

Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?

It’s Journalism 101, people!

I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.

I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”

Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.

Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.

gender is a sprctrum

🙋‍♀️

me: i’d like to buy a data storage system

assistant: hard drive

me: yes the freeway was gridlocked

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.

Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.

My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.

There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar

The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.

oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight

Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming

Me My dog

Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.

I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.

When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.

Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’

I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”

My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.

Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.