My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
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(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does