My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
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After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I am also baked goods
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
This woman is my idol. Free her.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
