Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN

An Autobiography

*strums guitar*

This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”

Hope you like it.

As a kid: the floor is lava

As a parent: the floor is Lego™️

A little too much information.

Obvious red flags:

*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind

*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows

*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer

“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”

ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?

BATMAN: What?

This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad

Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle

Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.

I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend

I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.

lol

I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.

Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.

Emojis are fun for when you want to express emotions using disembodied heads.

*being broken up with*

Me: I thought we were on the same page!

Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it

I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.

Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.

Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

*puts finger over your lips*

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh

*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*

Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov

I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.

10 signs that he’s just not that into you

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10. He is a cat.

Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.