My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
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Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Before I had sons, I assumed all little boys were Kevin McCallister. Then my older boy was born and he turned out to be Samwise Gamgee. Joy of joy! I went ahead and had another boy and got Kevin McCallister.
I’ve been drinking.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Nothing to do, you say?
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.