Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her

*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack

Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”

A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”

*Slides down your chimney*

*Straightens all your pictures*

Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.

Imagine us having sex..

Wrong, more lasagna.

#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’

13: Want to drive me to school?

Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.

13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.

Me: It’s not on the way.

13: I’ll pay.

Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.

I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up

MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?

ME (through tears): A…a friend

Cats are so graceful and light-footed.

[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]

scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

interviewer: questions about the job?

me: how can I get suspended with pay

Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.

Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?

I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.

Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant

When someone says you are so lazy

I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.

*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories

Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried