My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
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Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Worst perfume name ever.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.