Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.

Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.

My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again

babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped

Son: Facebook is for old people.

Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

Awwwww shit.

Some people were born into their job.

KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk

ME: but this tree is so tiny

my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today

me: inflation, right?

my grandpa: security cameras

“i’m in your city”

uhhh have fun??

Im at the swamp does anyone need anything

NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks

[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard

“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]

Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he’s a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*

ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.

Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.

Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*

“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”

[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666

I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.

Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.

*serious situation*

My brain:

Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?

Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…

Me: *loads nutrigun*

Cashier: What the heck?