My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
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This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Me: I’m Absolutely broke
State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!
#wtfuture
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.