Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I may be small, but so is a grenade.

Me: You’re going to daycare today

3: Okay

Me: We’re almost at daycare

3: Okay

Me: We’re at daycare

3: *bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare

Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.

If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.

what if cobwebs were delicious?

– cotton candy inventor

best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*

I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.

I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.

Her: tell me want I want to hear baby

Me: your order is on its way

Her: oh god, yes!

Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse

Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?

B: Please shut up

M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.

And I think I’m winning.

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch

[camera zooms in]

Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*

Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*

I threw away garbage.

In the garbage can.

The day after garbage day.

My husband is horrified with me.

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”

Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.

Her: Why is that expression on your face?

Me: I’m trying to remember your name.

Her: It’s Kelly.

Me: No that’s not it.

“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets

Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?

Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.

I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean

I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?

Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?

Son: The end.

At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out

My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.