Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)

“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.

Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.

Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.

Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.

if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base

Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?

3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.

I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.

The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor

At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit

Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika

Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower

[bedroom]

Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished

Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*

Me: no please I forgot the safe word

Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.

My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.

Thanks for following.

*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*

I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.

I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.

‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid

If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.

Cereal is basically dog food for humans.

“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP

I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.

Her: You need to multitask better

Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone

Her: That’s goo-

Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them

Me: What should we grow?

4-year-old: Tomatoes!

[1 week later]

Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!

4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.