My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
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How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
🙋♀️
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet