Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?

Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots

Him: Great! How’s it going?

Me: *very deep breath* so so

An amish party in the desert called churning man.

I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now

If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.

Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.

Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’

this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home

Art by Pastelkatto

a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer

I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media

IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers

IKEA double challenge: add cats

IKEA triple challenge: now wine

just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.

She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar

Don’t take drugs… for granted.

Story of my life…..

When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.

12: This apple tastes funny.

Me: That’s because it’s a peach.

Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.

At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”

In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.