My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
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ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
watergate? u mean a dam??
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.