Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”

A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.

Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.

I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.

911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?

Me: No. Pizza.

My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up

ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please

Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.

Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.

Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.

Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.

Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.

“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.

People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?

Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.

Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop

[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?

*Victorian letters to Santa*

My dearest Santa,

I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.

*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*

I would like an orange.

I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.

Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.

When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit

Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.

Netflix: we added a show you might like

Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like

Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer

Me: go on

Netflix: who fall in love

Me: that sounds ok

Netflix: starring Paul Rudd

Me: *calls in sick*

WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again

ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%

The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.

I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat