Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.

Every house has this drawer

No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager

I should have stayed in kindergarten.

Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…

What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?

NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED

“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”

why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”

Me: “Am I pretty?”

3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”

Me: “Am I handsome?”

3-year-old: “No.”

I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!

*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.

Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.

If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese

I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.

#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes

Cool shirt 🙂

[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*

Everyone:

You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time

[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night

Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed

I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her

And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol

Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.

3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.

Me: Okay—

3: And bite people.