My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
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I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Dune (2021)
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.