Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red

Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.

If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.

Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.

I know that now.

The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof

ME: You bring that cash you owe me?

ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.

ME: No you didn’t.

sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges

I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.

Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*

*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in

Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.

Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…

*at Wal-Mart*

Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle

Me: It’s not us this time

*we fist bump*

In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.

In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French

Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.

Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?

Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.

We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.

We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.

That sums up parenting pretty well.

My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean

Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.

If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*