My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
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Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Fluff me with a fork baby
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
wow
People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!