My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
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Brands during Pride
Every work call, he judges.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
repaired
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
I ate everything, including the H.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.