My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
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I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Lives near Army base.
Community page on Facebook:
“WhAt aRe tHoSe LoUd BoOms?!”
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Me: wow I have so much shit to do before I have to pick the kids up, I need to stop getting distracted
Also me: now seems like a good time to make a wreath using wild grapevines and dried flowers for my secret Santa
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*