Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries

Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?

95% of dentists recommend teeth.

I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.

Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh

my one true gender

I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order

Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.

My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.

Good: Waking up every day

Bad: in 2020

running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way

A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.

There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal

Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play

Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America

You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey

I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.

guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face

me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy

The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline

Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.

“Describe yourself in three words”

“Lazy”

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?

[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]

OMG a foot!

What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash