My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
You Might Also Like
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
Aaaa…CHOO!
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
weddings should have a worst man