“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
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Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear