My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
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ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?