My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
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Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Talk about a bad egg
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.