My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
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(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
reminder
Raisins are grape jerky.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo
Me: lol *like*
Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news
Me: n-
Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.