My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Pass gas, not judgment.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
