My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
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the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
She knows her part so well!
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
I’ve been lied to my entire life
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
early stone age tool
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.