My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
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I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.
My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.