Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?

me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue

Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.

I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha

me: ok phew haha

*muffled screaming*

car salesman: 100%

After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.

my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats

imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now

Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.

I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.

Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!

Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?

Woman: Yes! No!

More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.

#parenting

Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.

I can’t explain it, but the new work coffee machine is making the coffee sarcastically.

KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week

My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.

If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.

If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”

thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents

If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.

“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”

“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”

[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift

If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.