Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

health insurance agent: and do you smoke?

me: *winking* only after sex

hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke

Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?

i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys

*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*

wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?

me:

Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot

[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over

Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅

Just ticking off my bucket list.

(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)

Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.

Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.

Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”

saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber

(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.

Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.

*never gets laid again*

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.

Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.

Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”

Potatoes:

I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.

90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.

[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?

I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.

Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot

The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings

lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥

Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?

Henopause

Annnd, send tweet.

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.