My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
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[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
the rocks need my help
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”