@roggyie

My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white

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@YUCKYBOT

The difference between my “Maine lobster” and my “main lobster” is boiling water or a high five.

@dorsalstream

I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.

[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]

@mom_ontherocks

Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*

Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you havenโ€™t showered?

@Cheeseboy22

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

@thenatewolf

Snakes can’t win. They use the sidewalk and everyone screams, they stick to the grass and they’re playing into hurtful stereotypes.

@WheelTod

My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.

@WheelTod

It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.

@Reverend_Scott

[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]

ME: I hate you

@GrantTanaka

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

@hippieswordfish

WIFE: and this is my husband, he’s obsessed with the movie shrek-
ME: *clears throat*
WIFE: sorry, the ‘academy award winning’ movie shrek