My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
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if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.