@roggyie

My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white

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@PinkCamoTO

How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?

@GeauxSaints79

In hindsight, using the word “harder” as the safe word, was not the best idea.

@joshgondelman

There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.

@marknorm

Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.

Inmate: Who got me out?

Warden: A famous celebrity.

Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?

Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.

Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!

Warden: Just go man.

@sarcasticmommy4

My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”

@StoneAgeRadio13

ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.

@stevevsninjas

Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.

@tastefactory

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.

@seamussaid

Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline

@Marlebean

Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!

Kids: Yay!

M: See you in a week!
*slams door*

Kids: …