The difference between my “Maine lobster” and my “main lobster” is boiling water or a high five.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
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I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Snakes can’t win. They use the sidewalk and everyone screams, they stick to the grass and they’re playing into hurtful stereotypes.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
WIFE: and this is my husband, he’s obsessed with the movie shrek-
ME: *clears throat*
WIFE: sorry, the ‘academy award winning’ movie shrek