How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
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In hindsight, using the word “harder” as the safe word, was not the best idea.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
M: See you in a week!